You want children and you are looking forward to pregnancy and you are preparing for the arrival of the little one. You hear talk about the so-called ‘pink cloud’ and then he or she is there. Your life is turned upside down; you are lived by feedings and cries, by short nights and a disproportionate division of tasks in the household. No one ever told you it’s a test case for your relationship. Because it very well could be. And it’s definitely not something you should be ashamed of.

Hooray, I’m pregnant

Congratulations. Wonderful to experience the greatest miracle, because that is what it is. That miracle arises from you and your partner; a baby. You daydream about the gender of your baby, a name that sounds nice to you and what colors you are going to paint the baby room. Maybe you also feel miserable, nauseous and exhausted and you push everything forward. Your belly is growing and people treat you with all respect; they stand up for you on the bus and hold the door open for you. They stroke your belly and smile. “Good luck,” they say, and you respond with radiance to their interest. Anyway you are in the preparatory phase. Towards happiness.

That no one really talks about

In the book: The Baby Brain by John Medina, he writes about how you can prepare for the arrival of your baby with an explanation of what to expect, apart from presents and ‘oh’s’ and ‘ah’s’. Because anyway, a baby also brings other things with it. He punctures the pink cloud and shows you how to prepare so that you recognize it when things present themselves. Knowing is preparing and people don’t really talk about the other side of the pink cloud.

Give, give, give

In total dependence, your baby demands a lot from you and your partner. A lot and rightly so; he or she is completely dependent on you. A baby is born without a day and night rhythm. He really has no idea what it is! He experiences himself through you, he expresses his needs through crying and sleeps when he feels the need to do so. It usually takes six months for a baby to develop a day and night rhythm. Your baby always comes first, no matter how tired you are, because he simply cannot take care of himself. That is exhausting and can make you have a short fuse. Then the pink cloud is far away. And it puts a strain on your relationship. Not crazy, right?

Hostility

Babies are extremely sensitive because their brains are developing. It is precisely during this build-up phase that parents can become sharply opposed to each other, resulting in arguments. Very logical in itself, but vigilance is required, especially because of the delicate soul of your little baby. John Medina identifies four reasons for relationship turbulence:

• lack of sleep
• social isolation
• disproportionate division of labor in the home
• depression

Lack of sleep is the result of the broken nights and makes you vulnerable. Social isolation occurs when you withdraw from meetings, fun things, parties, etc. due to a low energy level. And then the disproportionate division of tasks in the household: women do more in the household and automatically take into account the amount of attention they want for their child. to give. For many men it is different. It has a debilitating effect on the quality of your relationship, because you become overloaded. Depression sounds tough, but women who, after the usual childbirth tears, are followed by increasing despair, sadness and despondency are having a hard time and deserve all the help and attention for this phase. Heavy for themselves, but if it continues, babies appear to mirror this with major consequences.

Vulnerable

Having and raising children is quite a job. It brings great joy, but it also makes you vulnerable. The writer Elisabeth Stone once said, “The decision to have a child is a huge thing. It is as if you choose to always let your heart walk outside your own body from now on. All these things are generally not talked about out loud. It is useful to do it, because if you know what to expect in terms of nice and less nice things, you can only really prepare yourself. Then you will recognize it and you can talk to each other much sooner and, where necessary, with a professional.