Being a parent is complex. We neglect our children or we spoil them too much. We give them too much or too little attention. We suffocate them or we release them too much. We show too much or too little interest. Yet a child who is raised in a somewhat authoritarian manner and who regularly has to figure things out for himself is best off. Many children today suffer from spoiled child syndrome.
Problematically spoiled children
According to educationalist Willem de Jong, the Netherlands has 100,000 problematically spoiled children. Children today are a project that must succeed. As a result, parents place excessively high demands on their children. On the other hand, they spoil their children and shower them with toys and pocket money. Children receive a lot of confirmation and compliments and are rarely corrected; on the contrary, children are shielded from frustration as much as possible. The child is given little or no limits, much is possible and allowed, too much. Annoying behavior is excused or the environment is to blame. It is rarely seen by parents as the child’s own fault. Because an attack on the child is seen by many parents as an attack on themselves and a poorly functioning child means that they themselves are functioning poorly. Parents want their project, their second chance, to succeed.
Buddy or educator
According to Unicef, the children in the Netherlands are the happiest in the world and unfortunately also the boldest. A lot of pampering in parenting is due to parental guilt. They don’t have enough time for their children and try to buy off their feelings of guilt by giving the child presents and letting him have his way in everything. The children’s wish lists become shopping lists for the parents. Parents do not compete with their child. If the child does not feel like doing a requested chore, we will do it ourselves. In the short time they have with their children, parents want to be liked. They want to be their child’s buddy and not a teacher.
Being a parent is often not fun
Although none of us want to hear this, raising children is often just not fun. As a parent you have to teach your child some things, such as:
- sense of responsibility
- to stand up for yourself
- taking others into account
- zeal and ambition
- try hard
- tolerance
- set your own goals and stick to them
- independence
- use money wisely
- respect for others and their property.
This does not happen without a fight and will often be accompanied by heated discussions, punishment and standing up for your actions. As an older person you will have to set boundaries. A family is not a democracy, but a natural hierarchical organization in which you as a parent are at the helm and not your child.Of course you want to protect and help your child, but let him try to figure it out for himself first. Don’t try to fix everything for him, but let him muddle through on his own. He learns from that. Moreover, he also discovers his own strength and discovers that he can also be proud of himself. If you never have anything to fight for, you never get to know your own strength and that is bad for your self-confidence.
Are parents really doing that bad?
When you read “The Spoiled Child Syndrome” by Willem de Jong (pedagogue), you quickly get the feeling that parents neglect to raise their children out of unwillingness. This is probably more out of powerlessness. Not that parents are bad educators, but in this society children get everything. You also want to see your child happy and not always be that parent whose children receive less. Children sense this intimately and know how to manipulate their parents flawlessly to get their way. No matter how difficult this sometimes is, as a parent you must continue to believe in your own standards and values, despite the fact that your environment sometimes shows otherwise.
Consequences of too much pampering
Children who are spoiled too much think that the world revolves around them. They have a poor self-image. One half overestimates themselves (received too many compliments) and the other half underestimates themselves (too protected and too much taken care of). Even when they get older, they have difficulty putting themselves in the shoes of others. Therefore, it will be difficult for them to have a long-term relationship. Furthermore, they often have problems with authority. This causes them to perform poorly in business later on. According to Japanese research from 2010, the overprotective, spoiling way of raising children even has consequences for the brain. The brains of spoiled children are less well developed, according to this study.Take a closer look at your parenting style. Do you still dare to say NO to your child?
Read more about this subject?
- “The Pampered Child Syndrome” by Dr. Maggie Mamen (clinical psychologist)
- “The spoiled child syndrome” by Willem de Jong (pedagogue)